Que tal uma anedota para descontrair...

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hemlock · Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:45 Post subject:

Entrevista para admissão

Um psicólogo faz uma entrevista para admissão de um empregado.
Entra o primeiro candidato:
- O senhor pode contar até dez, por favor? - Pediu o psicólogo.
- Dez, nove, oito, sete, seis, cinco, quatro, três, dois, um.
- O que é isso?
- Ah, é a força do hábito. É que eu trabalhava na NASA.
Entra o segundo candidato:
- O senhor pode contar até dez? - Pediu o psicólogo.
- Um, três, cinco, sete, nove, dez, oito, seis, quatro, dois.
- O que é isso?
- Ah, desculpe. É que eu era carteiro e estava acostumado a ver os
números pares de um lado da rua e os ímpares do outro.
Entra o terceiro candidato. O psicólogo pergunta:
- Qual era a sua profissão antes de tentar este emprego?
- Funcionário público.
- E o senhor pode contar até dez?
- Claro. Um, dois, três, quatro, cinco, seis, sete, valete, dama, rei.
_________________

thebug · Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 22:33 Post subject:

O Presidente da Republica vai fazer uma visita á casa de saude de são miguel-

Entretanto um maluco vira-se para o Cavaco e diz:
Maluco- Olha la tu ai que pensas que és importante quem és?

Cavaco- Eu..Eu sou Cavaco da Silva o Presidente da Republica

e virasse o maluco

Maluco- Ai és??... olha quando vim para cá pensei que era o Presidente dos Estados Unidos... Mas isso pássa-te...
_________________

thebug · Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 22:37 Post subject:

Na casa de saude havia um maluco que tava escondido atrás de uma arvore a rir-se...
um dos funcionarios avista-o e pergunta lhe:

Funcionario: Olha la porque é que tás te rindo??

Maluco: eh eh ... tou me rindo porque quero ver a cara do jardineiro quando ele acordar e descobrir que lhe cortei a cabeça eh eh
_________________

WidowMaker · Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:12 Post subject:

THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE ARMY:

A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...."
A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this *beep*..."

THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN MARINE CORPS:

A Private saying, "I just got the word...."
A Sergeant saying, "Lock and Load!"
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Follow me!"
A Captain saying to an in-bound A-6, "Our position is....."
A Lt. Col. chuckling, "I've seen this *beep* before...."
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The difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery.

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers
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Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)

Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.
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Military comparisons of the word "sucks"

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back,
5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This sucks."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km,
and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!"

A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and
marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions,
says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....."

An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: "Sure sucks down there!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!"
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Rules of a Gunfight

Avoid them like the plague
Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition yellow.
Have a plan or two. (If not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.)
Corollary: No plan survives contact with the enemy.
Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife).
Bring the biggest gun you can handle.
Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support).*
Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you.
Make use of available cover.
Remember the difference between concealment and cover.
Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage).
Place your shots well.
Pay attention to where your shots fall.
"Speed's fine, but accuracy is final."
Don't miss. (You can't miss fast enough to win.)
Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.
Bring lots of ammo.
In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high. Be aware of this and aim low.
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Rules of drawing

If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first.
If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first.
Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.
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Rules of wounds

A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If you're bleeding to death, say something witty.
If you're actually dying, say something deep.
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Rules of quitting

Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!
Never quit, period.
There is no prize for second place.
There's no such thing as "unfair advantage."
He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best strategy is being somewhere else).
It is better to give than receive (Just like Christmas).
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to
"Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.
When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow.
Say nothing afterwards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd like to speak with my attorney."
Distribute press releases indicating you target belongs to a cult.*
Drop the one with the shotgun first.
Afterward, alter evidence to favor your position and plan for perjury.*
Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any video of your non-evil-looking equipment. Fuzzy rifle-wrap works best.
Insist on at least $50K from tabloid TV producers.
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Trouble with the chain-of-command

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
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US Army telephone answering machine.

We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!
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RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY
General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.
_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

WidowMaker · Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 16:12 Post subject:

O caipira comprou uma câmera digital e levou para seu sítio. Chegando lá com aquela novidade para todos que nunca ninguém tinha visto algo igual, quando ele diz:
- Pessoar, ói só ... Tudo mundo pra perto da cerca di arami farpado ali, que eu vou tirá uma foto.
Ele então programou o temporizador e correu pra junto de todos. Quando os outros o viram correndo, saíram todos em disparada, se rasgando na cerca, enfim, foi uma loucura. Ele vendo toda aquela tragédia e sem entender nada perguntou:
- O que aconteceu aqui uai ? Que qui deu nos seis todos gente?
E uma tia que ainda conseguia falar alguma coisa, respondeu:
- Se ocê que conhece esse negócio ficou com medo, imagina nóis que num conhece ...
_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

WidowMaker · Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 16:12 Post subject:

Um dia um caipira chegou para a mulher e disse:

- Muié, tô indo trabaiá i só vorto di noiti.

Quando saiu de casa ao invés de ir para roça, subiu em um pé de manga
e ficou escondido. De repente aparece um negão, vai até o pé de
manga e nem percebe que o caipira estava lá. Pega uma manga e começa
a chupar, pega mais uma, pega outra, aí a mulher do caipira aparece e
diz:

- Pode vir negão, ele já foi!

E o negão entra na casa do caipira. O caipira, puto da vida, desce da
árvore, pega um facão e entra na casa.

Quando ele abre a porta vê o negão chupando os peitos da sua mulher,
então levanta o facão e diz:

- Vai morrêêêê negão!!!

Nisso o negão vira pro caipira, saca um 38 da cintura, e diz:

- Por que eu vou morrer?

E o caipira:

- Chupô treis manga e agora tá tomando leite. É veneno, sabia?
_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

WidowMaker · Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 16:13 Post subject:

O mineirinho entra num boteco, e vê anunciado acima do balcão:
Sanduíche de queijo: R$ 2,00
Sanduíche de Galinha: R$ 3,00
Punhetinha: R$ 10,00
Checando na carteira para o pagamento justo, ele vai até o balcão e chama uma das três garotas maravilhosamente bonitas e sensuais, com roupas generosamente decotadas e mini-saias que mostravam muito mais do que só as pernas, que estão servindo bebidas ao grupo de homens em uma mesa:
- Por favor.
- Sim? - pergunta ela com um sorriso lindo - Posso ajudar?
E ele pergunta:
- É ocê que toca as "punheta"?
- Sou - responde ela com uma voz bem sensual.
O mineirinho então retruca:
- Então, ocê lava bem as mão, que eu quero um sanduíche de queijo!
_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

WidowMaker · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 15:47 Post subject:

On a disco in Germany a russian dances with the t-shirt which reads "The turks have three problems".
Immediately a turk comes over and says: What are you doing man, want me to beat your a...s?
The russian calmly: That's your first problem. Aggressiveness. You are always trying to create problems when there is none...
When the disco is over, already a group of turks is awaiting the russian.
- You will now answer for your words, - they say.
- That's your second problem. You can never solve your problems by yourselves without dragging all your "buddies" on any occassion.
- How dare you talk to us in such a manner!?! - the turks draw out the knives...
- This is your third problem, - continues the russian. - You are always coming to a shootout with knives.
_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

hemlock · Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 17:15 Post subject:

Madre Teresa no Paraíso

-Tendes fome? - Pergunta Deus.
Madre Teresa acena afirmativamente com a cabeça.

Deus prepara para cada um uma sandes de atum de conserva em pão de centeio.

Entretanto, a virtuosa mulher olha lá para baixo e vê os glutões no Inferno a devorarem bifes, lagostas, ameijoas, doces e vinho.

No dia seguinte, Deus convida-a para outra refeição. Mais uma vez, o pão de centeio seco com atum de lata. Mais uma vez, ela vê os do Inferno a regalarem-se com uma verdadeira orgia gastronómica...

No dia a seguir, ao ser aberta a terceira lata de atum, Madre Teresa pergunta humildemente:
- Senhor, estou grata por me encontrar aqui Convosco como recompensa pela vida casta, regrada e devotada que levei. Mas não compreendo: só comemos pão com atum, enquanto do outro lado comem como reis...

-Ó Teresinha, sejamos realistas - diz Deus com um suspiro - achas que vale a pena cozinhar só para duas pessoas?
_________________

The EnD · Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 14:55 Post subject:

lol
é essa boa

hemlock · Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 16:41 Post subject:

Chega uma brazuca toda boa ao pé de um alentejano e diz:

- Oi!

Após um compasso de espera, o alentejano olha a brazuca de alto a baixo e responde:

- Aca!

Got it?

_________________

WidowMaker · Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 19:51 Post subject:

O valor da virgula

Sobre a Vírgula

Muito legal a campanha dos 100 anos da ABI (Associação Brasileira de Imprensa).

1. Vírgula pode ser uma pausa... ou não.

Não, espere.

Não espere.

2. Ela pode sumir com seu dinheiro.

23,4.

2,34.

3. Pode ser autoritária.

Aceito, obrigado.

Aceito obrigado.

4. Pode criar heróis.

Isso só, ele resolve.

Isso só ele resolve.

5. E vilões.

Esse, juiz, é corrupto.

Esse juiz é corrupto.

6. Ela pode ser a solução.

Vamos perder, nada foi resolvido.

Vamos perder nada, foi resolvido.

7. A vírgula muda uma opinião.

Não queremos saber.

Não, queremos saber.

Uma vírgula muda tudo.

Detalhes Adicionais

SE O HOMEM SOUBESSE O VALOR QUE TEM A MULHER ANDARIA DE QUATRO À SUA PROCURA.

- Se você for mulher, certamente colocou a vírgula depois de MULHER.

- Se você for homem, colocou a vírgula depois de TEM.
_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

D3LT4 · Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 21:18 Post subject:

lol ta fixe

_________________

WidowMaker · Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 23:18 Post subject:

_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra

WidowMaker · Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 23:39 Post subject:

_________________

Airsoft. Enjoy the thrills of combat without the scars of battle

Spetsnaz-Açores: Не по словам судят, а по делам
Somos brutos... fodemos sem dar beijinhos
Airsoft= (1/4 Réplica + 1/4 Equipamento + 1/4 Equipa + 1/4 Confratenização) elevado a 2*Honra